Identity
by TheTrainTicket
Summary: Because in the end, Light was only human, too.


_AU fanfic centering around Light/Near pairing. _

**Identity**

He sat there, wondering.

_What if… I had gotten to him first…? _

He just sat there, wondering – _knowing_ – how much he was draining him.

…

Light Yagami sat in front of the computer, typing away newly discovered facts about the Kira case. Near sat on the floor close to his chair, playing with his toys and looking up on the occasional pauses Light took from typing.

A familiar sight.

All the same, it still bothered Mello to see the two of them. They had been like this since the day he met them, before that even – and yet there was something about the image that he found unsettling.

Not that he had issues with the fact that they were both guys, but it was… the way they expressed their devotion to the other. Although he supposed people such as Light or Near wouldn't be ones to show affection like most. Hell, aside from Light's little passion-spasms, neither of them showed much emotion. Except around each other. Maybe that's why it bothered him…

After all, Mello was a rather high-strung person; the fact that everyone around him always seemed calm was rather frustrating.

So he let them be.

It was none of his business anyways.

But it still made him uneasy…

….

L passed by casually, peering in the room where the young man was typing. His eyes traveled along, down to where the even younger man played obsessively with his toys. L took a particular interest in him.

Everyone thought it – a few said it out loud… and when asked, L finally admitted his opinion.

"Yes – " he had replied. "Near and I are quite alike."

It was more an interest taken from curiosity than anything else. He was rather intrigued to have found someone so similar to himself. Granted, people often compared him to Light as well, but there was no mistaking – Near and him were completely alike.

And that made him wonder…

He wanted very much to get to know Near, talk to him, _train_ him, so to speak… L knew going into this case that it might very well cost him his life. Although he was perfectly willing to go that far, he knew nothing good would come out of his death. There would have to be someone else to carry on in his footsteps…

Near was… a genius.

L couldn't deny this fact. Him, Near and Light… all in the same room. One would think that they could have captured Kira by now…

_One would think…_

"Ryuzaki…" it had been asked. "In the event of your death… who would be the one to succeed you?"

Three pairs of eyes stared at him expectantly, although one person did not seem too terribly interested. Yet it was _that_ person who he had become keen on understanding.

The thought of Mello succeeding him was out of the question. Although the kid had proven to be useful and intelligent enough, he was also brash, not to mention overly emotional. All the same, he remained hopeful and determined. For that reason, L had a small amount of respect towards Mello.

Light – he was more than capable of succeeding L. He had shown that on several occasions. Even so, L couldn't let go of his suspicions.

_Light Yagami is Kira._

The thought wouldn't leave. Even if it turned out he wasn't Kira, was he truly the man L wanted to succeed him? Did he really want to be replaced by _Light Yagami?_

Then… there was Near. The bright young man who was so comparable to L himself. The detective sighed. If Light was Kira, then that meant Near was in on it.

Granted, L did not suspect Near of even being the second Kira, he still was positive that was Misa Amane. However way Kira was able to killed, L was certain that Near had never been given that power. But even if that were the case, Near was still Kira's accomplice, making him just as much a criminal.

Which was why L wished, so deeply – that he had gotten to Near before Light.

But he was years too late.

…

Light Yagami sat there, typing away on the computer. Near was sitting close by, running his little cars back and forth along the floor.

"_Vroom, vroom_…" he whispered. Light smiled.

He reached over and patted Near on the head, unsure if anyone was around and not truly caring. This sort of thing wasn't anything new.

Near paused for a minute, acknowledged Light's touch and then resumed to playing. They didn't look at each other.

Most people would have thought Near was being lazy, messing around with his toys while Light was keeping himself busy. But everyone here knew this was how Near worked. That it was merely his thinking process – no one would have been shocked if he was closer to solving the case than Light was.

Which was why the two didn't look at each other – they didn't want to break their train of thought. Yet it was still nice to every so often remind the other of their presence.

Things weren't the way they used to be. But both their lives had drastically changed recently – this was a minor sacrifice, really. Besides, it made getting some time alone all the more rewarding.

So there they were, Light Yagami typing and Near sitting down playing.

…

Mello walked down the hallways to his room, passing Light's on his way. Near was in there as well, nothing unusual. Still, it made Mello uncomfortable.

He fought the momentary urge to stoop over and listen in on the two of them. Once the sick feeling passed, he went on.

…

The security cameras were set in every room, including Light's. L kept watching just a bit longer than normal.

Near was in there as well. He was sitting on the desk with Light standing in front of him. The man stroked his thumb against the younger's cheek. Near seemed to be responding accordingly, because he leaned into Light's palm.

L knew he shouldn't be watching. This was all being recorded. The tapes would require a simple scanning in the morning – he didn't need to sit there.

The audio was being recorded as well, not that either of them were talking… smart move.

The detective found his curiosity to be insatiable. Not over what these two did alone, that was territory he left untouched, but his interest was rather in… Near's reactions. He and Light were two human beings who rarely showed strong emotions, Near especially. So now, seeing them alone, acting so tenderly… fascinated L.

Why was it these two had such chemistry with each other? Was it their strong will that somehow kept them in silent competition, who could top the other first? If so, why were they involved romantically?

Near was a couple years younger than Light, had that caused an attraction? Had Light figured he would be able to manipulate Near due to his age? No, Near wouldn't have fallen for it. He was far more intelligent than that.

Was it simply because they had known each other for a few years? They just simply grown fond of the other's company? L had to admit, it was nice to have Light and Near around… two people who could keep up with his thought process. Mello could as well, for that matter, but L pushed that fact aside…

Returning to his previous contemplation, L wouldn't doubt that Light and Near had been drawn to each other due to their intelligence. But was that enough to secure a relationship? They were both highly competitive – which would conclude with the two becoming rivals.

_Who knew?_

L realized he had too strong a fascination with this – a fascination with _Near,_ and for rather selfish reasons, on that note.

He supposed he was just a tad jealous. Not of the romance between the two, but the fact that Light could get to Near in a way no one else could. L wanted that, a little bit – he wanted to talk to Near, get to know him.

Tell him what he wanted Near to become.

"Perhaps one day…" the detective murmured to himself as he closed his eyes.

…

Light continued to stroke Near's cheek with his thumb and occasionally his forefinger. The younger man sighed deeply, shutting his eyes in a peaceful manner, allowing Light to continue.

"Near…"

The younger man frowned, inwardly. He knew he had to have this alias but he didn't like the fact that Light always referred to him with it. Light was lucky – only changing his last name. Near was able to bite back his envy… it was child's play compared to holding it back when that Misa woman was around.

But Near wasn't like Misa Amane – he could be useful to Light for the rest of his life. And it didn't matter what words of affection Light told Misa… they were all false. Light would come back to Near. He did. He always did.

They were alone now, though. Light didn't have to call him by his pseudonym, no one would find it odd if they discovered Light called his _boyfriend_ by his real name.

Still, the two had appearances to keep up, and Near knew that.

His thoughts were interrupted as Light took his hand away and began to unbutton Near's shirt. The younger man watched absentmindedly while this happened.

"Light Yagami…" he whispered.

The other paused and looked up.

"Near, you shouldn't be calling me that. It's pretty risky."

"We're alone, Light…"

"I know that." He went back to the buttons. "But even so, you can never be too careful when it comes to Kira."

This was code talk. They had invented their own way of communicating since they knew about the cameras.

But these were the facts – Light Yagami and Nate Rivers had known each other for a little more than three years now. Light Yagami was the owner of a Death Note. Nate Rivers had never used said Death Note.

Light Yagami was Kira.

Near's shirt was unbuttoned now and Light ran his finger along the younger man's torso. Near sighed again; his socks were still on, making it less noticeable that his toes were curling.

Yes, they knew about the cameras, but they still got away with things like this. They never went much further, not in this building, anyways.

"I want you to be safe, Near…"

…

Since the day the two had met, Near had a fixation with Light. It was mostly his intelligence, but it was also more than that. It was – the way he_ interacted_ around other humans.

In truth, Light Yagami was very popular. How could he not be? Everything about him seemed flawless. He was unbelievably smart, also dedicated, hard working, but courteous and easy to get along with. Not to mention, he was rather appealing to look at…

At first glance, Near could tell that Light enjoyed the power. Having a crowd around him almost constantly, it all seemed so wanted… and yet… unwanted.

Near understood.

He had recently been transferred from another school, a place he spoke about with no one. Still, he recalled his experiences there. Just like Light, Near had been rather popular. More for his grades and awkward habits than his looks, but people respected him to his face.

He too, had received constant attention. And while it held a certain charm, he found the whole thing to be so _annoying._

These people around him – weren't at his level. It was like talking to a pet, really. Something you could grow fond of, but nothing to look at eye-to-eye.

Near had grown fond of Mello, and even L, despite their different goals. They amused him to a certain degree. But Light had come first… Light was the very first.

It had been a curious affair when the two had finally met. Near saw everyone as a toy and Light had been no different. Soon, however, he began to see Light less as a toy and more as an opponent.

This made him smile. After all these years… it was nice to have someone to play with.

…

Light ran his finger across Near's nipple repetitively, causing the younger man to shiver. He didn't often show a reaction, but it was also a rare case for someone to provoke him with touch.

…

Needless to say, the two had hit it off. They had found a connection through their silent need to find someone at their own level.

Also – there was a hint of competition between the two. Near simply saw the whole thing as a game, and Light had become his first true opponent. As for Light, not only did he not believe anyone else shared his ideals… he didn't _want_ to. To everyone else, he was special and he wanted to remain special in the eyes of all.

Then Near came along and saw him as just another human being. They were both clever, so there was nothing truly impressive about Light for Near. This drove him insane. Light simply couldn't comprehend that someone saw him as… average.

He strived for Near's affection, for the mere sake of having it.

_Light Yagami – god of the new world._

And then the games began. Oh, how the two had set traps out for the other, little things just to bring them down. Minor victories, but truly worth the effort.

Every so often were times when they simply sat down and talked to the other, studying, learning about each other… preparing for the next move.

All the while, Near thought this was just part of his game. Until Takada came around…

He had never been so jealous.

It wasn't long after that, Near confessed feelings for Light, which he accepted and they started seeing each other privately. Of course, the first portion of their relationship was still just a game – they both knew it.

This was… a way to keep things interesting.

Light wanted affection; he wanted to be considered perfect by everyone. Near was the only one refusing this way of thinking. He knew that if he proclaimed some form of emotions towards Light, they would be welcomed.

Near did have feelings for Light and vice versa. Not the romantic feelings he claimed, but they were still present. It was almost an obsession, the way they thought of each other, _wanting_ in this unrealistic, non-sexual way.

Once more, this was merely the beginning of their relationship. The two underestimated just how well they could hold back their emotions.

Finally spending quality time together, rather than the lazy trips to coffee shops and cafeterias, they met in more intimate places, such as Light's bedroom. They touched each other, out of obligation, because that's what couples do and they were playing the part of a couple.

But as time went by, the two of them had grown used to the other's company. They had become part of the other's routine. But it had been this way for several months now – it was the whole reason for their current position.

Then Near began to wonder if he truly wanted to "beat" Light Yagami in this little taboo game of theirs so badly that he was willing to play the part of his boyfriend.

Well, Near loved games.

But he had been jealous of Takada… he had never felt jealously before. Mainly because he never had anything to be jealous about.

…

Near reached out as Light continued to caress him, placing a hand on his cheek, feeling out his jawbone. Light looked good, he felt good – Light _was_ good.

…

Those long hours spent in Light's room after he had discovered the Death Note and its power. Near had witnessed it all. Light's first murders, Ryuk's presence, and the initial birth of Kira – Near had been there.

Although admittedly, he did not understand Light's obsession with becoming god. Perhaps that was because Near didn't like to think of things like that. It… bothered him. Near knew he was too smart for his own good and there were certain subjects he'd just rather not think about, as a way to hold onto his sanity.

But he knew one thing as a fact – if all you do was destroy, then eventually the only thing left was you.

Light Yagami would die, if he continued this.

"It's worth it, Near." He had said. "Don't you see that? We have the opportunity to create a new, perfect world."

"I want justice, Light…" the younger man replied, twirling his hair in an all-too-familiar fashion. "But what you're doing is something no human can achieve. This is just the beginning – and when it all ends, you're going to crash and burn. And I don't want that."

Light merely sneered at his words. "You just don't understand."

"No, I don't."

Near continued to fiddle with his hair as Light shuffled around his desk to get something – they both knew what it was. After a moment, Light was holding the Death Note in front of Near.

"Use it."

The book and pen sat before Near so temptingly. He didn't blink as he stared at them.

"Come on, Near. Only one name. One criminal. That's all. And then you'll get it."

The younger man took his hand away from his hair and placed it on his lap.

"One name… one face… one criminal. Writing it all down while knowing full well the results. This is exactly how you got started, except you weren't aware of what would happen. Now look at you."

"What are you saying?" Light was yelling now. This made Near uncomfortable, but he kept it all inside. Part of him still enjoyed how passionate Light could become. "Do you believe Kira is evil, then?"

"Not at all." His voice maintained the usual tone. "You, Light Yagami, are not evil. You are trying to make the world better in the way you see fit. But it's a task that simply cannot be accomplished by any human. Please understand, I'm not opposing you, Light Yagami."

Light put the notebook back in its usual hiding spot without further questioning. He and Near didn't speak to each other for the rest of the night.

They went about this little fight rather often. Light would insist that he was justice, and Near continued to be neutral.

Until L appeared.

Light had attempted to kill him but to no avail. It was as Near feared. Some couldn't understand what Light was trying to do – Near himself couldn't understand it. He merely wanted to stay with Light.

"You… you bastard." Light muttered as he realized he had no way of killing L. Near sat there, silently agreeing as the broadcast continued. They could get passed the police, but this "L" character would be a much more difficult opponent.

Yet Light seemed to accept his challenge with open arms and Near didn't hold back a smile.

…

"Light – " Near was now asking. His boyfriend stopped caressing him for a moment. "Do you think I'm… like L?"

Light stared at him. Near wanted to repeat himself, just for the sake of breaking the silence. Instead he kept quiet, waiting for Light to come up with an answer.

"No, Near, I don't."

"Why not?" Near insisted, ignoring the fact that Light was becoming annoyed with him ruining the mood. "Everyone else seems to think so."

"Why is this suddenly so important?"

"It's not sudden, it's been on my mind for a while."

"And why's that?"

Near didn't answer. They both knew.

Light hated L. By default, really. L had stood in _Kira's_ way – and must now pay the price for it. Of course, this didn't mean that if Near reminded Light of L that he would automatically hate him.

But what if Near opposed Kira… Light? Would Light just write down his name and be done with him?

Yes.

Neither of them wanted that, but it was true. Light was completely devoted to creating a new world, even more than he was devoted to Near.

These unspoken facts hung in the air and Light pulled Near close. He wrapped his arms possessively around the younger man's shoulders and let him rest against his chest. Near breathed deeply, taking in Light's scent.

Then he buried his face deeper into Light's chest, trying to cover from the cameras that he was crying.

Yes, for once, Near showed his emotions.

He showed them to Light.

Because in the end, Near was only human.

And as Light watched his little one cry into his arms, he felt his heart break.

Because in the end, Light was only human, too.

…

Mello rose with a jolt. He had almost fallen asleep when suddenly the revelation had hit him.

The reason why Light and Near made him so uncomfortable, why their displays of affection and little gestures towards each other – it was all so clear now how it left him on edge.

They didn't treat this like a relationship, they weren't in love.

They _owned_ each other.

…

"Light Yagami…" Near started. There was no emotion in his voice. He had stopped crying, almost acting as if he had never even started. The two stayed in place, staring at the other. Light placed his hands onto Near's shoulders as he waited for him to continue. "I want to catch Kira."

_Can't you see what it's doing? Stop this._

Light sighed heavily. "I want to catch Kira, too."

_I'm not evil._

"I know you do."

_I know that you're not._

"Light…" he paused, and Light was slightly surprised that he didn't add on his surname. But he could tell it was… _hurting_… Near to admit this. "I want things to go back to the way they were."

That wasn't code talk – it was exactly how Near was feeling.

At that moment, Light pulled him close again. "Near… Nate. When this is over, things _will _be better than they were before. Kira will be captured. And we'll… stay together."

_I will be the god of the new world – _added in that bit about Kira's capture for effect_ – you can stay with me, even if you don't help me._

"Nate… please."

_Don't oppose me. Don't ever oppose me – and I'll let you live._

He pressed Near down against the desk, lying him out. It was Near's turn to be on top – he would be angry in the morning but right now, he was in a vulnerable state. Light never took that for granted.

Near was his, and his only. He didn't really know what that meant. He knew that he didn't _want_ to kill Near – he truly didn't – which is why it was so important that Near didn't go against him. Light could even live with him being neutral.

He knew that Kira – _Light_ – was trying to do good, although he disagreed with him. Still, that way of thinking could be useful. He and Near were so similar, yet so different. In a way, they completed each other. Hadn't that been the initial attraction?

Light put his lips against Near's. Well aware of the camera in the room, he didn't want to put on a show. And despite his urges, he also didn't want to find a spot for them to hide… that would make them all the more suspicious.

If a place was hidden enough for sex, it was hidden enough for Kira to punish.

Light was putting Near in enough trouble as it was. Damn the police… damn L.

_L…_

Breaking the kiss, Light ran his fingers through Near's hair and looked him over, smiling a bit.

He knew that if Near ever went against him, Light would be in much greater danger than with L. Even if Near didn't have the obvious advantages of knowing Kira's identity and the Death Note's existence, Light was still certain he could easily surpass L.

L was doing this because of his strong sense of justice. He had made it quite clear he found Kira's deeds to be evil and unforgivable. He would stop at nothing to capture Kira because it was the right thing to do.

Although Light would never confess it… he sometimes wondered about his own morals. Yes, he was god. His judgment was righteous. Still, killing a human, no matter how much they deserved it, was considered a crime.

_So through criminal acts… I will become justice?_

He didn't like that way of thinking, but he couldn't resist.

Hadn't he once asked if this whole thing would make him a murderer?

But no, fate would decide soon enough. If he won, then Kira was justice. If he was caught, then he was a criminal.

At the moment, he was blurred.

_Please, Nate, please… don't be the reason I'm caught…_

Nate.

Near.

L did what he did because he believed it was the right thing to do. Near on the other hand, was here because of Light. But even without that, his motive… was different from L's.

Light could never figure out completely what Near was thinking. One minute he proclaims killing is a crime, that he will bring Kira to justice – translating, of course, that he will get his boyfriend to stop. But then the next minute, Near would gamble someone's life.

Everyone else on the task force showed a sense of emotion when someone died. A gasp from most – even L would widen his eyes. Near, however, would barely look up.

Light sometimes believed that Near was _too_ smart for his own good.

This was all just a game to him. In a way, Near was just as blurred.

Well, Near never _did_ show much affection towards other humans, with the exception of Light, respectively. On the other hand, Light was rather guilty of that himself. They both shared that strange detachment from humanity. As if they were too good to compare themselves to others – they were _beyond_ human.

Or quite the opposite, they were both so lost in their own vanity that they had grown to fear others' judgments. Near made it obvious that he didn't care much for company. Now more than ever, so had Light.

He snickered slightly at the thought – they were afraid and detached from a world they both were trying to protect.

Near saw Light's snickering and smiled. The younger man only smiled when he was getting his way or when he knew he had won.

Or when he was around Light.

That was because he _belonged to Light._

The two started kissing again. Though still troubled with his emotions, uncertain _how_ exactly it was he felt for Near, Light knew this –

He didn't want to kill Near.

And he absolutely hated the way L looked at him.

…

L raised his head up slightly. He had been sleeping for almost twenty minutes now. Time to get back to work.

He reached out for the plate of cake that had been sitting idly before he had drifted off. As he popped a forkful into his mouth, he began to wonder once more…

_What if… I had gotten to Near first…_


End file.
